Friday, November 6, 2009
I Miss My Baby Boy
It's been five months. Five long months. I miss him. I worry. A lot. Sometimes I go for several hours without thinking or worrying. Sometimes I can't go 2 minutes. Occasionally, I lose it. Like the day I sat in the car in the parking garage at work and cried. It was brief and I managed to pull myself together and go in and have a semi-productive day. Tonight, I was lying on the couch watching Grey's Anatomy. This episode featured a premature baby who nearly died. I cried. It reminded me how much I love my son and how incredibly worried I am that he is out there, right now, getting into trouble, getting hurt, missing opportunities, messing up his life, risking his freedom and how utterly helpless I am to do anything about any of it. In fact, the more I try, the harder he resists. I know that I wasn't a perfect mother. Hell, I wasn't even a very good one. I screwed up. A lot.